The Art of Social Media Lurking

Whether it’s an ex we’re keeping tabs on, a certain crush, or a hot celebrity, we all have someone we lurk on Facebook or Instagram. Or maybe you’re the one who’s been afraid to check in from afar in fear of getting caught.

Well fear no more! We have put together a list of all the dos and donts to social media lurking. And if you have any secrets yourself, let us know in the comment section below!

Oh no! I liked a post from 68 weeks ago!

Ahh one of the most common nuisances for lurkers of all skillsets. The instant fear and anxiety you get after liking a post from way back in the day, could literally have you die right then and there. Or even worse! When someone likes your post from 68 weeks ago, the first thing we think is #creepsquad

Don’t get caught up into the #creepsquad. Just delete your like from the old post and like a newer post. That way your creepy liking goes undetected, and you can continue lurking in peace!

Now this only works if you don’t mind showing up on the “lurkees” profile. I might want my crush to know I just liked a post, my ex, not so much.

Scroll with a purpose

If you use social media on your phone, you’re most likely holding your phone in right hand, letting the bottom of your phone res alongside your pinking, freeing your thumb to do some serious liking damage. But when you’re lurking, it’s best to do the scrolling with your pointer.

That way your thumb won’t have the chance to betray you by liking a post.

And when you scroll, scroll slowly. When you decide to stop on a particular post or picture, back your hands away completely from the mouse pad, mouse or screen. If you have to creepily hold them behind your back like an observant museum-goer, by all means.

Do it in the privacy of your own home

This here pro tip works for any number of things – being naked, singing out loud, dancing alone, farting. But I cannot stress enough the importance of keeping your moments of social media lurking within your own four walls. In general, no, you don’t want people catching you in the act of stalking. How embarrassing for a friend or coworker to walk up behind you only to see you going to town on someone’s Facebook profile!

So remember, if you allow yourself to be subject to becoming startled while actively social media lurking, double-taps and accidental clicking of the “like” button are prone to happen. So here’s a key of advice: When you stalk, stalk alone and in a quiet environment.

Friends don’t let friends drink and lurk.

Or smoke and lurk. Just be sober when you lurk or every single previous tip given will be for naught. Your inhibitions will be lowered and your clear judgment completely muddled when you mix any sort of alcohol or drug with stealth lurking. Beer plus lurking equals getting caught, liking everything, commenting on posts and telling your lurkee face-to-face that you love her new chiffon that she posted the other day and it’s not weird that you stalk her every night before bed because she’s just so cool and so pretty and you wanna be her friend so why can’t you guys be friends? *queue drunken sobering*

If you get caught red handed, just take the L

If you do accidentally click or tap something, don’t go all cray and privatize/block your profile like a crazy person. Chances are, the lurkee knows exactly who you are already. There’s no hiding, so just own it.